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Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

I don’t know anything about music. In my line you don’t have to.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit—get lost.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Military glory—that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood—that serpent’s eye, that charms to destroy…

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

To err is human—and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law’s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Humor is a rubber sword – it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I’m Jewish. I don’t work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Military glory—that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood—that serpent’s eye, that charms to destroy…

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

It’s dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that’s successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.

Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will—at the worst possible moment.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist—

Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn’t go away.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax —tomorrow you’ll be afraid to cough.

I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

We are not retreating – we are advancing in another Direction.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn’t speak up because I wasn’t a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn’t speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me – and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

In the begining there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

If all the world’s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

The only difference between me and a madman is that I’m not mad.

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Honolulu, it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife’s mother.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!

It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

My last cow just died, so I won’t need your bull anymore.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There is only one nature – the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

If quantum physics doesn’t confuse you then you don’t understand it.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

It’s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It’s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It’s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Throughout American history, the government has said we’re in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It’s a hoax.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I’d stop eating chocolate, but I’m no quitter.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, ‘Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don’t believe?

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

To err is human—and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.

I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

After every ‘victory’ you have more enemies.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If you think it’s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

I am not young enough to know everything.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

A man can’t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Why did God create dentists?—In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Jesus may love you, but I think you’re garbage wrapped in skin.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

Emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

To err is human—and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

One doesn’t have a sense of humor. It has you.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

When I die I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.

When I die I’m going to leave my body to science fiction.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

My last cow just died, so I won’t need your bull anymore.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

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If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.

Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

But at my back I always hear Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

After every ‘victory’ you have more enemies.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure—that is all that agnosticism means.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Don’t drive me crazy—it’s within walking distance.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

When you’ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.

I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

If all the world’s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

War doesn’t make boys men, it makes men dead.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I don’t approve of political jokes… I’ve seen too many of them get elected.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I’m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy—the mother.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there’s no risk of accident for someone who’s dead.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side

A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Don’t drive me crazy—it’s within walking distance.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…

I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man’s nose begins.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A man can’t be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

You got to be careful if you don’t know where you’re going, because you might not get there.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

It’s impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.