Nopo´s Closet

Erectile dysfunction, generic viagra, 1764, [URL=http://www.viagragenericmed.com/]generic viagra[/URL], b(, http://www.viagragenericmed.com/ Viagra, pmncy.

Erectile dysfunction, generic viagra, 099331, [URL=http://www.viagragenericmed.com/]generic viagra[/URL], (((b, http://www.viagragenericmed.com/ Viagra, byle.

Sildenafil citrate, cheap viagra, 763535, [URL=http://www.viagracheapfast.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], bb)o, http://www.viagracheapfast.com/ Viagra, qhys.

Erectile dysfunction, generic viagra, 1964, [URL=http://www.viagragenericmed.com/]generic viagra[/URL], b;, http://www.viagragenericmed.com/ Viagra, vqtlht.

Erectile dysfunction, generic viagra, 5059, [URL=http://www.viagragenericmed.com/]generic viagra[/URL], bod, http://www.viagragenericmed.com/ Viagra, fani.

Erectile dysfunction, generic viagra, 34415, [URL=http://www.viagragenericmed.com/]generic viagra[/URL], d:, http://www.viagragenericmed.com/ Viagra, lnkjo.

Erectile dysfunction, generic viagra, 479861, [URL=http://www.viagragenericmed.com/]generic viagra[/URL], b(, http://www.viagragenericmed.com/ Viagra, xkot.

Erectile dysfunction, generic viagra, 0818, [URL=http://www.viagragenericmed.com/]generic viagra[/URL], ;(b), http://www.viagragenericmed.com/ Viagra, asotj.

Erectile dysfunction, generic viagra, 438807, [URL=http://www.viagragenericmed.com/]generic viagra[/URL], do, http://www.viagragenericmed.com/ Viagra, ucqt.

Sildenafil citrate, discount viagra, 679412, [URL=http://www.usviagradiscount.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], )o(d, http://www.usviagradiscount.com/ Viagra, skfq.

Sildenafil citrate, discount viagra, 17046, [URL=http://www.usviagradiscount.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], d:(, http://www.usviagradiscount.com/ Viagra, aakl.

Sildenafil citrate, discount viagra, 56094, [URL=http://www.usviagradiscount.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], (b, http://www.usviagradiscount.com/ Viagra, teyzq.

Sildenafil citrate, discount viagra, 5846, [URL=http://www.usviagradiscount.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], b;(, http://www.usviagradiscount.com/ Viagra, ypxnpf.

Sildenafil citrate, discount viagra, 941192, [URL=http://www.usviagradiscount.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], bb;d, http://www.usviagradiscount.com/ Viagra, ixhryq.

Sildenafil citrate, discount viagra, 167913, [URL=http://www.usviagradiscount.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], ;do, http://www.usviagradiscount.com/ Viagra, rktuf.

Sildenafil citrate, discount viagra, 494141, [URL=http://www.usviagradiscount.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], (bd(, http://www.usviagradiscount.com/ Viagra, iucw.

Sildenafil citrate, discount viagra, 2474, [URL=http://www.usviagradiscount.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], :o)d, http://www.usviagradiscount.com/ Viagra, xeev.

Sildenafil citrate, discount viagra, 47214, [URL=http://www.usviagradiscount.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], ;b(, http://www.usviagradiscount.com/ Viagra, psmtwo.

Sildenafil citrate, discount viagra, 3791, [URL=http://www.usviagradiscount.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], d;(d, http://www.usviagradiscount.com/ Viagra, vkqjp.

Sildenafil citrate, discount viagra, 94367, [URL=http://www.usviagradiscount.com/]cheap viagra[/URL], bb)(, http://www.usviagradiscount.com/ Viagra, zsxqm.

wlaiydwktugskqdlrpln, rnxazfffie , [url=http://www.aymeysctkc.com]nxjtjphapf[/url], http://www.lvfrkqhpan.com rnxazfffie

Hi there, what’s up you guys???

Hi there, what’s up you guys???

If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear – kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor – with the cry of grave national emergency.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…

I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It’s about Russia.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Minsky’s Second Law: Don’t just do something. Stand there.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

They couldn’t hit an elephant at this dist—

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy—the mother.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

If all the world’s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy—the mother.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure—that is all that agnosticism means.

I don’t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it —and some of your spouse’s family too.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

I have four children which is not bad considering I’m not a Catholic.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’... ‘til you can find a rock.

Emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…

Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

O’Toole’s Corollary of Finagle’s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

War doesn’t make boys men, it makes men dead.

Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren’t, then I’d be a teacher.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

If all the world’s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once…

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said ‘no’.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The truth is more important than the facts.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

You can pretend to be serious; you can’t pretend to be witty.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

The dangerous patriot … is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

To err is human—and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don’t need.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Don’t be so humble – you are not that great.

I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

If all the world’s managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

After I’m dead I’d rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

If you haven’t got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Emulate your heros, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood… War is hell.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

I’m desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can’t remember what they are.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

We are not retreating – we are advancing in another Direction.

Lohr’s Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Anyone who starts a sentence, ‘With all due respect …’ is about to insult you.

Devlin’s First Law – Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin’s Second Law – So can PowerPoint.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Copy from one, it’s plagiarism; copy from two, it’s research.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

It’s dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that’s successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Don’t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I’m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let’s start with typewriters.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions – it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he’ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

The dangerous patriot … is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

To err is human—and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Barabási’s Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

You’re about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

I don’t believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Either he’s dead or my watch has stopped.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

I think ‘Hail to the Chief’ has a nice ring to it.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load…)

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn’t.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don’t think.

They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Sex is like air. It’s only a big deal if you can’t get any.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one’s work is terribly important.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…

I am not young enough to know everything.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

Maybe this world is another planet’s Hell.

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn’t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

I Can’t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don’t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don’t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that’s my position.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

We didn’t lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I’d invented a time

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don’t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise they won’t come to yours.

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney…

Heav’n hath no rage like love to hatred turn’d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go ‘aaaaagghhhh’ and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Raymond’s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don’t need to be done.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

I’d stop eating chocolate, but I’m no quitter.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will—at the worst possible moment.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You’d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn’t.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called ‘Ego’.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

If you’re sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they’re eating sandwiches.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

We’ve all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C’, the idea must be feasible.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it —and some of your spouse’s family too.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn’t over until everyone gets their cookies.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn’t take it out of my garden.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I’m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It’s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Why don’t you write books people can read?

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it’s good it’s wonderful, and when it’s bad it’s still pretty good.

If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don’t work, those that break down and those that get lost.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy—the mother.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

‘Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible’, she said, ‘but that alone doesn’t make it true.’

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it’s the exact opposite.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: ‘His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

Yes, I’m fat, but you’re ugly and I can go on a diet.

Never test for an error condition you don’t know how to handle.

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don’t talk about other people.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

But at my back I always hear Time’s winged chariot hurrying near.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they’re going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there’s no law against whacking them around a bit.

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven’t said enough.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Attention to health is life’s greatest hindrance.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn’t get bigger or heavier.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

I’ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I’ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit—get lost.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I think ‘Hail to the Chief’ has a nice ring to it.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.

I don’t even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don’t add up.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can’t get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Throughout American history, the government has said we’re in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It’s a hoax.

Those are my principles. If you don’t like them I have others.

Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, ‘cause if they couldn’t, they’d have to wake up to the fact that life’s one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot—and the only reason THEY can’t seem to keep up is they’re a bunch of misfits and losers.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

There’s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

I’m trying to see things from your point of view but I can’t get my head that far up my ass.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

It’s impossible to experience one’s death objectively and still carry a tune.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

I’m living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book – I’ll waste no time reading it.

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure—that is all that agnosticism means.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

To err is human—and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

I wouldn’t mind dying – it’s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, ‘Why god? Why me?’ and the thundering voice of God answered, ‘There’s just something about you that pisses me off.’

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one’s doubts.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Love is the answer – but while you’re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Once you’ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

There’s no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

It’s wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

If you can read this you’re not aiming in the right direction.

I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.

When you’ve seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

My last cow just died, so I won’t need your bull anymore.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It’s pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

As the post said, ‘Only God can make a tree,’ probably because it’s so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

A man can’t get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Why did God create dentists?—In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

I hope life isn’t a big joke … because I don’t get it.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official…

Ask her to wait a moment – I am almost done.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

I don’t pray because I don’t want to bore God.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

Gigerenzer’s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I’ve only ever had one.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Am I lightheaded because I’m not dead or because I’m still alive?

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I’ve always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain – and most fools do.

Many a man’s reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we’d have a much easier time raising money.

If it wasn’t for muscle spasms, I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you can count your money, you don’t have a billion dollars.

It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.

I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I’ll never know.

Hofstadter’s Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter’s Law.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Hanlon’s Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 today and we don’t know where she is!

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

They laughed when I said I’d be a comedian. They aren’t laughing now.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that’s how dogs spend their lives.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you’re pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

I’ve had a wonderful time, but this wasn’t it.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

If it wasn’t for muscle spasms, I wouldn’t get any exercise at all.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it’s because they’re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Don’t knock masturbation, it’s sex with someone I love .

You’ll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

In the begining there was nothing and God said ‘Let there be light’, and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

After every ‘victory’ you have more enemies.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That’s where we come in; we’re computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The difference between ‘involvement’ and ‘commitment’ is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was ‘involved’ – the pig was ‘committed’.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can’t get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.